I Just Want to Paint It Black- Welcome to The House Of Tano / by 49 Actual

If you don’t expect gratitude, you’ll seldom be disappointed.
— Eyor Dedonki (WH 4ok)

This has been a year of many disappointments. More professionally than personally, but one will inevitably affect the other if you give the metaphorical wound time to fester. My enthusiasm to continue in my current career has been low over the years with brief moments of “hope” (aka willful blind stupidity) that something good would come of it but my reserves have been tapped and I can’t stand getting out of my bed in the morning. When I do manage to drag my husk into work, the only emotions I can seem to muster range from apathy to smoldering hate to fleeting moments of pride in my ability to deal with those two feelings and still manage to be as professional as I can be given the circumstances. I like to say that I suffer from a stoic depression, meaning that while I don’t know “happiness” in the classical sense, I grit my teeth and drive the fuck on because I’m not a whiny bitch and, frankly, what the hell else are ya going to do?

I know it is hard for you to accept, but unhappiness is more common than happiness. Who told you you should be happy? You have come to an age where you must grow up and be responsible about such things. When I was your age, I had many friends. Now, all are dead. The happiness is neither here nor there.
— Ragnar Lodbrok

I have to admit that this mild bit of melancholy has found its way into my creative work as well. Not for nothing, I appreciate the people that read my nonsense on Endscenario.com but writing a 14 page essay with work cited to the sound of nothingness just isn’t something I’ve considered a good time lately. Given that I’ve opened up this site, I’m not done putting my thoughts out into the nether but now I don’t have a theme for it or a purpose. If I want to go off about how much John Wayne Gacy’s dad use to drunken box that fat fucker as a kid and transition into how I’m sure that influenced modern day Japanese tentacle porn (it didn’t, just go with the thought), then I will. The next time, however, maybe I just want to talk about feelings.

LMFAO, nah! This is the most you cunts are ever going to get in that department. This whole planet is fucked with saddies bitching about their feelings. Some of ya’ll need to embrace some stoic depression, shut the fuck up, undye your pink hair, and get a damn job. yea, I hate mine but at least I have one and I’m pretty goddamn good at it, much to my fucking chagrin.