Khutulun: Mongol Warrior Princess, Undefeated Wrestler, and Greatest Hustler of the Steppe / by 49 Actual

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“The greatest happiness is to vanquish your enemies, to chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth, to see those dear to them bathed in tears, to clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters.
Also, to reincarnate myself as a hot great-great granddaughter who makes dudes pay 100 horses just to fight me for my hand in marriage and kick their asses until I have all the horses! I win again! Suck my dick…err, clit! Hahaha!!!”
— Genghis Khan...mostly

In the modern era, it appears to have become an acceptable practice among females to lower their standards (or have no standards) when it comes to the acquisition of male lovers.  You’ve not seen hilarity until you’ve stood outside a jail’s parking lot and overhear some chick playing a song in her truck with the lyrics “I’m sorry, mom, I love a criminal” not knowing her “loving” man just had a visit from another girl about an hour ago.  How you INCEL cocksuckers can’t find a woman is beyond me because the standards are in the garbage. 

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 Hell, tell most of the broads out there that you’ll love them “forever ‘ever” and their vaginas will open up as the petals on a rose in the sunlight.  Then you double fist the shit out of the petals and shove your piston in its ass and call it a dirty birdy!  That got graphic quick, didn’t it? 

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I’ve been told that my standards are high and that may very well be the case.  Granted, in my professional life, I regard most people as functionally retarded until proven otherwise so I’ve rarely been disappointed or stressed by that knowledge.  Having my expectations low equals a less stressed Tano.  However, in terms of dealing with females, getting into high standing within my inner circle might as well be like breaking into Fort Knox.  I am inherently annoyed by the whines and bitching of the average female and I’m just fine jerking off, busting my nut, and enjoying my day without any of that bullshit.  Blue hair and overly tattooed women with body issues, daddy issues, and nothing else going for them but the cam girl life are great fodder for spank material and not much else.  I like my women full of grit and just as prone to conquering their immediate domains as I am.  So, let’s see how many terrible daughters out there I can convince to hit a gym, learn a skill, and stop chasing weak ass men and make the worthy ones pursue you like they’re supposed to with the story of Khutulun, the great-great granddaughter of Genghis Khan. 

 

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Khutulun, whose name translates into “Moonlight”, busted out of her mother’s vagina in 1260 to her ecstatic father, Kaidu, leader of the House of Ogedei and Khan of the Chagatai Khanate.  It should be noted that he was the cousin of Kublai Khan and the Mongol empire, at the time, was effectively 4 khanates bitching about who should be the Great Khan (Khagan) like every 5 minutes.  Kublai managed to snag up the big boss spot and started summoning the other Khans to his court in China to bend the knee and put his nuts on their heads as a show of dominance.  But Kaidu wasn’t about that life and decline the invitation which led to decades of fighting between the two Khans. 

Kaidu: Had Gains.

Kaidu: Had Gains.

Khublai: No gains.

Khublai: No gains.

From what I’ve read, Kaidu was an old-school Mongol and didn’t think Kublai should be running the show from China while taking on a lot of Chinese culture and blending the people into the Chinese environment.  I went ahead and had my death cult branch resurrect Kaidu to ask his opinion of the man and they gave me this translation:

“Fuck that fat Chinese egg roll wannabee piece of shit! I hope he gets the gout and die! Fuck China and their dumb ass wall! Wait, where am I? Who are you?! I’ll kill y….”
— Zombie Kaidu
Note: The Death Cult Branch of Tanoism is now hiring 2 necromancers. We wish Tom and Brad a speedy recovery and I’m sure medical advancements will ensure your dismembered cocks and eyes will be as good as new in no time.
— The Management
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Khutulun was born around the start of the conflicts between the two Khans and quickly found her place in the world: on top of a horse and running motherfuckers over on the Steppe.  She was highly skilled in archery, horsemanship, and apparently snatching dudes off their horses like a fat dude smashing tiramisu at a buffet:

Sometimes she would quit her father’s side, and make a dash at the host of the enemy, and seize some man thereout, as deftly as a hawk pounces on a bird, and carry him to her father; and this she did many a time”
— Marco Polo

In terms of her looks, we don’t have drawings and, unfortunately, I don’t have the quote link from Marco Polo about her but I recall him stating that she was strong limb and appeared nearly as a giantess, which is a hell of a compliment considered “Giant” and “Asian” are not two terms often associated in the same sentence and especially not attached to a female.  So, no, I don’t think the actress who played her in the Marco Polo show was a solid choice in terms of physique but hey, she’ll have to do.

When Khutulun was old enough to be married off, she pulled her pops off to the side and proposed the greatest hustle in marriage history.  See, when she wasn’t yanking men off their horses and peeing on them to show dominance, she was wrestling the biggest guys she could find, winning…and peeing on them…in her downtime.  So, she tells her dad that any man that wishes to marry her must defeat her in a wrestling.  Her dad was probably giving her the people’s eyebrow at this point but then she sweetened the pot:

Pops, I know you think I’ve been smoking too much but here’s the payoff: They have to pay us 100 horses to even get the chance to wrestle me. I beat them, we get paid! I lose, you still gain a badass son-in-law! And…I get to pee on them! It’s a win-win situation!
— Khutulun…probably (You say she didn’t say that. I say, “Prove she didn’t!” See what I did there)
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Just so you know, horses in a society that practically is born on their horses is a big deal. Think of it as you winning 100 of your favorite cars (or protein jugs for you forever broke weightlifters) from a fight. Hearing all this hustle from his favorite kid, Kaidu fucking loved the idea and let it ride!

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AN ASIDE FOR MONGOLIAN WRESTLING

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When I say wrestling, you’re probably thinking the WWE or the Olympic one that looks really fucking gay.  Mongolian wrestling, on the other hand, is like how I and some of you use to wrestle family and friends growing up.  The basics are that you start off on your feet, lock in with each other and the first one to hit the ground loses.  The Mongols, however, took wrestling far more serious than we do today as it had real world use in combat. For example:

One day Genghis Khan had Buri Bokh and Belgutei wrestle each other. Buri Bokh belonged to the Jurkhin tribe. Formerly Buri Bokh was able to hold on to Belgutei by one hand, drop him to the ground by one leg and keep him immobile there on the ground. Buri Bokh was a nationally famous wrestler. However, on this occasion when Buri Bokh and Belgutei were made to wrestle with each other Buri Bokh fell on the ground despite being an undefeated champion. Belgutei managed with great effort to press Buri Bokh down at the shoulder and proceeded to sit on his belt area. He then glanced at Genghis Khan from the corner of his eye. Genghis Khan bit his lower lip. Belgutei understood the meaning of this, held Buri Bokh firmly, jerked him at the chest and buttocks and broke his back. Buri Bokh said with his back broken: “I never lost a match to Belgutei. I fell purposefully to please the Khan out of fear but now I have lost my life.” Having said this, he died. Belgutei broke his back, dragged him and then left his body. The eldest of the seven sons of Kabul Khan was Okhinbarkhag. The second eldest was Bartanbaatar. Yesukhei Baatar (father of Genghis Khan) was his son. The third son (of Kabul Khan) was Khutugt Monkhor. Buri Bokh was his son. Whenever Buri Bokh wrestled he far outperformed the sons of Bartanbaatar. He was close friends with the brave sons of Barkhag. This was how the national wrestling champion Buri had his back broken by Belgutei.
— Secret History of the Mongols
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I’m not entirely clear if the rules were the same in Khutulun’s matches as the rules are in Mongolia today but they are as follows:

The goal of a match is to get your opponent to touch his upper body, knee or elbow to the ground. In the Inner Mongolian version, any body part other than the feet touching the ground signals defeat.[6] There are no weight classes, age limits, or time limits in a match. It is not uncommon to see a toddler wrestling a grown man during the Mongolian Naadam. Especially in Naadam, although there are no time limits for a bout, it is generally understood that a match shouldn't take a very long time, especially in the lower rounds. For example, it used to take more than an hour or two for a bout to finish, especially in the higher rounds with each wrestler trying to get feel of the other. This lately resulted in a policy that allows the zasuuls of the wrestlers to set up fair grip positions between the wrestlers to finish the bout faster if the match is moving slowly. Each wrestler wrestles once per round with the winner moving on the next round and the loser being eliminated from the competition.

The technical rules between the Mongolian version and what is found in Inner Mongolia have some divergence. In both versions a variety of throws, trips and lifts are employed to topple the opponent. The Inner Mongolians may not touch their opponent's legs with their hands, whereas, in Mongolia, grabbing your opponent's legs is legal. In addition, strikingstrangling or locking is illegal in both varieties. ~Mongolina Wrestling (Wikipedia)

Given the style of wrestling, I can see a female holding her own against men as brute strength wouldn’t be as essential in winning as skill and balance. However, Khutulun could have pulled a Floyd Mayweather and picked her fights well too. I’m going to assume she had some stones and took all challengers as I’ve no reason to think otherwise.  I’ve included a video of Mongolian Wrestling to send your Youtube down that rabbit hole if you want to see more on it.

 

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Men would show up from across the empire expecting an easy win from some delusional, spoiled daddy’s girl and leave 100 horses poorer and with a busted collar bone from being dropped on their heads.  Khutulun gave no shits about their broken hearts and wallets!  “Fuck you, pay me” were the only words on her lips and she made dudes cry head locked in her armpits.   According to Marco Polo, she amassed at least 10,000 thousand horses from her victories, including one suitor that made a bet of 1000 horses and still got tomb stoned into the palace floor like the jabroni he was.  I don’t know what his name was but according to Khutulun:

It doesn’t matter what his name is!
— Khutulun, The People's Champion, Year 1280
Khutulun, reincarnated.

Khutulun, reincarnated.


Kaidu viewed his daughter as the strongest warrior in his army and would consult with her in all his political and military affairs.  That’s a hell of an accolade for anyone but doubly so for a woman in an era where women overall were still expected to mind the house and not be the vanguard of an army.

Now, sources vary on if Khutulun eventually pitied a fool and married a man for the hell of it.  Some say she married a former assassin who tried to kill her dad, a mate from another clan, or she just kept a hard-on for a Mongol ruler named Ghazan out in Persia.  Some say she never married at all.  But what is known is that she was undefeated in her time as a wrestler and if she did marry, it was on her terms. 

She would go on to command her father’s armies and, at the time of his death, Kaidu considered making Khutulun his successor, a Khan.  But Khutulun had 14 brothers and they weren’t having that shit.  I’m sure they were already butthurt from her being daddy’s favorite and making them look like little bitches, so they immediately gave a big nope to that idea.  Allegedly, Kaidu’s second choice was her brother, Orus, and she threw in her support on him if she was going to still lead men into battle.  In 1301, Kaidu died but his relatives didn’t honor the deal.  Duwa, another relative, was made Khan over Orus.  A few years later, Khutulun dies in 1306 under unknown circumstances but seeing as she opposed the pick of the new Khan, it may have been related to that and she may have died in a skirmish or coup.  No one knows. She was 46 years old.

Khutulun is still honored today as one of the greatest women ever born on the Steppe and it’s said the tradition outfit Mongolian wrestlers wear is open chested to show that the wearer isn’t female as a nod to Khutulun.  I’m not sure how factual that is but awesome all the same.

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