Over a year ago, I wrote about a ritual I performed around my birthday known that I referred to as the “Forge.” The general concept is, like a blade, I’m prone to wear down over the course of the year and dull from the mundanity of regular life. As such, I take a month or so to reinvigorate myself and get my mind and body refocused on the objectives of the next year.
This process can vary from a fuck ton of physical activity to throwing myself into an activity I’ve been wary to engage in (think bare knuckle boxing or wrestling 200 lbs out of your weight class) or just working overtime without a break and seeing how long you can go before you want to toss yourself off a cliff. Forging is meant to be a period of discomfort because you’ve been a soft assed, half fucked pussy for at least 3/4s of the fucking year and you’ve forgotten how to behave as a apex predator. I’m completely of the opinion that if you spend most of your time engaging in bullshit on social media instead of engaging your mind in creative/learning endeavors and keeping your body ready to fight and fuck, you’re wasting fucking air and should smash your testicles with a hammer to keep your bloodline from continuing; it’s clearly defective as fuck.
What i did leave out of the original Forge piece was anything resembling diets or training methods as it was meant to be used as a general template and nothing more. Get up early, attack the day and maybe some people in it, get laid, have a shot of vodka, sleep, repeat. It’s not a thought process for the pacifist or the moderate among you. You will be a asshole for at least a month as you have to engage in selfishness and tactless to tell people to fuck off while you hit the gym for the 3rd time in a day and do nothing but eat, sleep, and jerk off every hour because the leaner you get, the more you want to walk around half naked and fuck everyone you see. It’s science.
Forge 49 “Ouroboros”
I’ve often said that my inner other half (that voice in your head) was similar to a dragon. He growls, he broods, he grumbles, and he burns…always whispering, sometimes yelling, and I constantly have to keep that asshole in check. That part of you that wants to punch the boss, jump out of a plane for the hell of it, raid a village, fuck everyone at a party, lift all the weights, quit your job and make your own, get that promotion but get it without sucking dick, etc). I supress that dragon a lot and I can come off very cold and clinical at times. But I’ve learned over the years that he’s still me and if I don’t let him eat, he eats me. If I hold myself back too much or don’t give myself something to fight, I grow bored, depressed and my nihilism gets a bit out of control and I turn into a saddie bitch until I snap the fuck out of it, which can take months. It’s not pretty. When I’ve gone into that cave, my dragon and i have a talk…and I let him take the helm for a while.
By the way, I say dragon as a means of storytelling. See, I’m a demigod and I’m trying to relate to some of you sad fuckers, so that’s the best I can think of aside from telling you to harden the fuck up or lump off a cliff. I think I did pretty well! I almost sounded like I was letting you into my head! Fuck that! Khorne’s crew, mount up! Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Skull Throne!
Seriously though, Forge 49 is my actual training for the next month or so and it’s meant to put you into some degree of pain.
This is my birth week and while my training sessions will increase to include double sessions on my off days, I will not be dieting hard this week. It has always been a futile attempt to try and eat super clean during a time where key lime pies and egg nog are calling to me like some dirty girl standing in the door of a brothel in the Netherlands. Stand by that door long enough and you’re shoving that pie in your mouth. And if you don’t, everyone around you just thinks you’re a obnoxious cunt. One thing to add is to drink at least 4 protein shakes a day and try to keep the food you eat high in protein. At the least, you’ll be too full to eat too much trash.
Now we get to kill ourselves properly in the gym and in the diet. Also, this is where we will differ based on your level of tolerance, dear reader. I do not care what type of diet or training you use during this time. if you like cardio over weights, that’s fine. If you’re a vegan, I pity you but do you, boo boo. But you have to pick something and stick with it. Keto, juice diet, intermittent fasting, dick sucking, blood drinking; just figure it the fuck out and you stay with it. It’s four fucking weeks and it’s unlikely to kill you and if it does, then Khorne gets another skull for the throne and maybe your fleas will mourn you.
For the rest of you, I’ll be using Jamie’s Famine and Feast diet though I’ll admit I’m probably prone to chewing on a drumstick or a steak once a day or so. So, at the worst, it’ll devolve into the Apex predator diet without a carb up for a few weeks. For the people that still refuse to click the links I put in my facebook (rightly so at times), here’s Jaime’s layout for his diet. I’m too goddamn lazy to paraphrase
The Famine (2-4 weeks)
4-6 protein shakes per day, evenly spaced, in water, totaling 1 gram/lb of bodyweight a day. No meal replacements- keep your carbs as close to zero as possible.
2 weeks if lean / leanish, 4 weeks if chubby / fat
Stimulant-based thermogenic (containing caffeine and yohimbine HCl if possible, like Cannibal Inferno). You can also go old school and combine caffeine, yohimbine HCL, aspirin and ephedrine yourself. I don’t get too crazy dosing it out- when I do that I just take a couple No Doz with a Bronk Aid, 5mg of Yohimbine HCL, and an aspirin- do the research yourself and see what you tolerate, because those stims hit people differently.
A thyroid-based fatburner will obviously help as well. You can either go all in and get T3 and albuterol on a peptides site online, or if you want to avoid the internet stigma of “eat clen, tren hard,” you can grab some Cannibal Claw, which is about 75% as effective as the aforementioned stack. The thyroid stuff is less important than the stimulants, though, because you need the energy, so if it is a one-or-the-other proposition, go with stims.
Nutrition repartitioning agents / blood sugar management supplements. I’ve tried everything from Cannibal Claw to Predator to handfuls of cinnamon and vanadyl sulfate caps, and they seem to help speed fat loss, but they’re not 100% essential like the stims are.
The amount of protein is based on your bodyweight- you’re going to consume one gram of protein per pound of your weight. Thus, you should be getting roughly eight or nine calories per pound of bodyweight due to the trace carbs and fat in your protein shakes. These shakes are not intended to fuel your workouts or daily life- you’re essentially fasting. Instead, they’re to ensure you lose as little muscle as possible while undergoing a fortnight-long fast.
I’m of the opinion that if you have time to watch Netflix when you get home, your bitch made ass has time to train. So, optimally, you should be doing something every day. Realistically, you will whine like the bitch you are and talk yourself out of going at least once a day. To that I say I hope your cat shits in your mouth while you sleep and all the bad things in life happen to you until you unfuck yourself and have some fucking standards, you piece of shi…..fuck, I’m ranting. Sorry.
Get about 4 to 5 days of solid training in. i tend to go for double days until something breaks and I drag my angry ass into the gym for singles but, generally, 7-10 sessions happen. I’ll give an example day.
Back Extension 5x20
15 mins of Dips (1 min rest)
Front Squats 80%
Overhead Press 3RM
Hamstring Curls 5x15
Stream Room Haka 15 mins Full Hard On
20 mins Hammer Curls/Tricep PullDowns
20 mins cardio
Steam Room 20 mins (No Hard On)
Basically, I’m not in there trying to set records. I’m getting in solid work and the more I’m in the gym, the less I’m tempted to shove bullshit in my mouth during a diet. Oh, and when I say cardio, none of that jogging on a treadmill slower than you walk bullshit either. If you’re running, put some damn speed on it and keep it to 10-20 mins. I like to see how well i can improve my mile or pick a distance and try to complete it but none of that includes walking. Fuck you and your dumbass shin splits. The universe doesn’t care and neither do I. Do something else while you heal. You can also swim, box, wrestle, or do a haka dance in a steam room. Actually, yes, do a fucking haka in a steam room for 20 mins! Make sure you’re butt naked with a boner too! Own the house!
I’ll post another update on this around the 30th of January and we’ll see if where I stand with the Famine part of Feast and Famine at that time. If you are interested in knowing how I’m going about it during the weeks, leave a comment or keep up with my Instagram as I’ll probably be there posting my cock in silkie shorts on my story thread anyway because silkies are awesome.
Anyway, fuck you, pay me. I’m out.