What if I told you that all the gods mankind has prayed to or gutted a virgin on an altar for were all just mere shades of the true powers out there in the void of the universe? What if the gods themselves are literally created and fueled from the collective emotions of all sentient life? Oh, and no, they don’t have a pretty Valhalla or Heaven waiting for you when you die. Some of you are probably starting to think of H.P. Lovecraft and his concept of ‘Old Gods” but fuck that, we’re going more metal and less hipster steampunk bullshit (I like Lovecraft but can’t stand the fanbase). Welcome to the Warhammer 40k version of our universe, plebe.
I’m talking about powers so old, grim, dark, and chaotic that attempting to understand them would cause insanity in you so fierce that you’ll be jerking off a shotgun until it “orgasms” a hot load of buckshot in your mouth. Gods that want to murder you, fuck the corpse, resurrect you, skin you alive, fuck you in the ass again, then pour some chipotle on your genitals (because chipotle is awesome) to spice them up when they cook you to death…while possibly fucking you with a spiked tentacle cock. The universe is not a nice place, and neither are the gods, known henceforth as the Chaos Gods.
Truth be told, to truly grasp the concept of Chaos and the Chaos Gods, I would have to go into the existence of the Immaterium or Warp (think of an alternate dimension made of psychic energy), where the gods truly come from, mankind’s past history (the future Emperor of Mankind is currently a fucking immortal walking around us right now) and the possible future as proposed in the Warhammer lore(a whole lot of killing and heretic purging), and just a lot of other bullshit. But I just want to talk about skulls and blood so I’ll make a deal with you: if this article seems to hit the right buttons and you all like it, I’ll go back and cover all that shit. Deal?
Khorne, The Chaos God of War
Khorne, also known as Kharnath, is the oldest and strongest Chaos God and he’s everything a man would want in a god if drinking the blood of your enemies from their skulls gives you a righteous murder boner. My cock gets a twitch every time I think about it! Khorne was “birthed” into existence sometime in early mankind’s history when war started to become a wonderful pastime for us. Some say this was around the time of Genghis Khan or earlier. Funny enough, the plague god, Nurgle, showed up around the Black Death in Europe. But we’ll cover him in his own post. All the Chaos Gods have certain actions or emotions that feed them and Khorne’s pre-workout drink includes:
· Rage boners
· Using your boner to decapitate your opponent in battle
· Struggling against all odds
· Being a manly man or a badass broad
· Ripping off someone’s arm, shining that sum’bitch up, and sticking it up his/her candy ass!
That’s the thing about Chaos Gods you should remember: they embody traits most people find barbaric but also honorable qualities. So, it could be argued that they are not inherently evil. Hell, Khorne is probably the only Chaos God whose word you can trust. He’s not into backstabbing and disdains schemes unlike some of the other gods. He’ll murder the shit out of you but at least he’ll give you a shot at defending yourself, no matter how futile (a chance is a chance). He also hates magic because magic is for soft ass neckbeard bitches that can’t squat over 185lbs and should have been left in the woods and eaten by dogs at birth. Yea, I said it. Fuck Gandalf! If you’re a Conan lover, Khorne is your deity. Trust me.
You can be what most in modern society considers a “good, honorable man” and still serve Khorne. He doesn’t give two shit about your morals if he’s getting some blood and fight out of you. So, the average grunt of today or SWAT teams that get in real work or UFC fighters can invoke Khorne and he’d hear them. However…that does not mean that those individuals would be favored of Khorne. Khorne wants blood and skulls and those that can produce the most of it will gain far more blessing from the god of war than the ones taking out one or two terrorist or breaking noses in the octagon. Khorne loves berserkers and savages so a hardcore devotee of Khorne is going to be a literal psychopath hopped up on steroids, cocaine, and dual wielding machetes with a Glock 22 strapped to his dick and at least one grenade suit cased in his asshole. Those skulls aren’t going to make themselves!
Oh, before I forget, his favorite number is 8. I don’t know why; I figure his testicles look like 8-balls or maybe that’s the only move he learned at a skating rink before falling on his ass, raging out, murdering hockey players with his skates, and wearing their nipples on his head for the lulz.
Worship of The Skull Throne
While I advocate embracing Tanoism into your daily life, Tanoism is not a religion. It’s more a methodology or way of life. It’ll get you bitches and you’ll be a harder mofo but what does one do after that? Well, Khorne is always taking followers and he’s easy as fuck to follow! No bitch ass scriptures, boring sermons, pussies telling you to love your fucktard neighbor and that crushing your enemies and taking their women is toxic masculinity. Khorne only ask that you fight, motherfucker! Fight until you die!
He is worshipped in combat: the battlefield, the streets, the prison walls, the mall on Black Friday, anywhere the blood can flow! The only prayer he wants to hear is, “Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Skull Thorne!” He is a warrior’s god and you praise him by being the greatest warrior you can be. Basically speaking, Khorne followers are going to be ornery assholes that want to fight everyone at the lowest level and anally rape you with your own skull on the top end of the psycho spectrum. But Khorne doesn’t care! More skulls, more blood! He doesn’t care who it is from either. If you defeat a follower of Khorne, he’s cool with that and may even bless you if he thought it was particularly badass.
Khorne grows in strength with increased conflict so the more war, the better. However, Khorne is particular on how you conducted battle. Strength, skill in combat and being a hard charger running into your enemies with a hard-on and a melee weapon will put you high in his favor. But killing babies or the weak gives you zero points on the scoreboard. Sure, you can murder up to a village of women and children. He’s just not going to give you a thumbs up for it; you’ll lose manly points for it. Now, if those broads are putting up a hell of a fight thought, have at it. Do note that if said broads manage to make your Warband retreat, Khorne will send out his flesh-hounds to tear you apart. Cowards don’t get to come home and fuck the prom queen. Skulls for the throne, bro.
While on the matter of combat, let’s glance over why fuckers who like magic wouldn’t fit with Khorne’s crew:
Khornates hate wizards for trivializing encounters with a single spell and overshadowing fighters. They hate turning what should be a military endeavor into a weird wizard show where people turn into frogs….They are okay with laser beams. They are okay with sniper rifles. They are okay with flaming swords. They are okay with running people over with tanks. They are okay with chemical gas. They are okay with exterminatus. They are okay with holocausts. They are okay with blitzkriegs. They are okay with honorable duels at dawn.
They are not okay with turning people to frogs, mind controlling people, raining glitterdust from the skies to blind everyone, raising armies of zombies to do the killing for you, and so forth. They are not okay with someone pointing their finger and you drop dead. They are okay with rituals to summon demons. They are okay with navigating the warp without crashing into suns. They are okay with sending astropathic messages. They are okay with chaining wizards up and forcing them to eternally forge magic items on pain of death.
You may consider it hypocritical that Khornates are okay with blatantly unfair TECHNOLOGICAL murder, but not okay with blatantly unfair MIND/MAGICAL murder, but the point, or at least one interpretation, is that wizards/psykers fucking cheat. They do. They steal the power of the Warp for their own ends. As long as they stay in line, and do nothing but permit the warrior to enact his craft, fine, let them live, albeit in terror, enslaved by chains of brass until the day they are no longer useful, at which point their skulls can join Khorne's throne.
If this concept is foreign to you, I have a real-world example that will invoke the same emotion in you that a Khornate feels: archers and snipers. Knights hated archers. I mean utterly fucked hated them! You know why? A knight would go his whole damn life training, forging his body and mind into a pure weapon of holy asskickery and on the day of battle, excepted to ride into glory and engage another man of the sword in glorious combat…only to be sniped by some cunt in goddamn green tights that literally learned how to aim and fire a bow three days before the battle! What kind of corn-fed horse shit is that!?
Snipers, same goddamn thing! People are retarded and, for some reason, they expect a “fair” fight. So, when two people are shooting at each other, it’s considered a fair gunfight because they can see each other and they just pew pew pew until someone runs out of bullets, gets hurt, or dies. Easy day, easy pay. But snipers are assholes and the good ones don’t let you see them or they are so fast on the trigger that it doesn’t even fucking matter! So, while you’re fucking bleeding out, your little shrimp brain’s final thought isn’t gonna be about loved ones. No, it’ll be “omg, what a fagoat! He didn’t 1v1 me IRL, bro! Fucking camper!” Yes, that same feeling you get from a sniper in a goddamn video game is the same one fuckers have had for years about the real thing! It ain’t fair combat, bro! That’s why Khorne hates magic! Fuck you, I’m right!
Wrap It Up
A lot of you have heard the term, “Blood for the Blood God,” and probably had no real idea what it was all about. This is meant to be a brief introduction to a far more complex lore topic. I’m leaving out how Khorne relates to the other Chaos gods, his prime followers, Space Marines, and all that stuff because it’s just too much for something I want to be a mere thing you can read on the toilet and I’m working on longer articles at the moment. But Warhammer 40k has some of the best lore I’ve read in a long time and while I’ll never touch the board game, I’m all about the fluff and maybe a video game if they make a decent one. If you like the way I tell the lore, let me know and I’ll throw these in between my usual fare. It’s completely up to you all.
Fuck you, pay me. I’m out. According to ID4, they’ve dubbed this Khorne’s song. I’m inclined to go with Debauchery’s Blood for the Blood God but fuck it, I like it.